Pickup Lines I Learned From Marc Bolan

Today I was listening to an album by T. Rex, and I got the idea for this post. For those of you who don't know, T. Rex was a 70s glam band that grew out of the 60s hippie folk group Tyrannosaurus Rex, both of which were fronted by Marc Bolan. Marc Bolan was a weird dude. I mean, you kind of have to be to front a hippie folk group or a glam band, let alone both. He was really into fantasy and mythology, and he also had some kind of weird car fetish, both of which were evidenced in his lyrics. And the weird thing is a lot of the songs he wrote were love songs, or at least songs about beautiful women. You'd think that for these kind of songs maybe he'd ignore his fetishes for mythology and cars, but he definitely didn't. In fact, in some cases his love songs are even more fantastical than his other songs. 

So now it's my pleasure to present to you this McSweeney's-inspired list of all of the best, funniest, creepiest pickup lines taken from actual Marc Bolan lyrics. Each lyric is also a link to a video of the song it's taken from. If any of you desperate male readers out there (which there can't really be any of, right? I mean, this is a pop culture/comedy/technology blog. All our readers are probably the coolest people in the world.) try this on any ladies, please comment on whether they actually work. I mean, if anyone is crazy enough to actually try any of them.

"In the alligator rain, my heart's all pain for you"

"On a mountain range, I'm Dr. Strange for you"

"I got a powder keg leg, and my wig's all pooped for you"

"I got stars in my beard and I feel real weird for you"

You know what? All of the above lyrics are taken from the song "Mambo Sun", which is basically just one giant bizarre pickup line. Seriously, just read the lyrics. I mean, I could basically just put every lyric from that song on this list if I wanted to. Anyway, let's keep going. I mean, all you guys out there want to pick up some crazy hippie ladies, right?

"Girl, you've got the universe reclining in your hair."

"Girl, I'm just a vampire for your love. And I'm gonna suck you."

"I'm like a beggar in the sand on the beach in the land of you."

"You're slim and weak, you got the teeth of the Hydra upon you."

"You're built like a car, you got a hubcap diamond star halo."

"You're an untamed youth, that's the truth with your cloak full of eagles."

"I love the way your eye it doth shine like an Egyptian ruby."

"I love the broken crown, the one you stole from the king and held for ransom."

*Note: The reason this line is so funny is because he basically just said "ransom" in order to rhyme with "handsome"

"Your sunken face is like a galleon across the mysteries of the Spanish main"

"Baby, your mouth is like a ghost"

"Baby I'm crazy about your breasts"

These last two are from the song "Raw Ramp," which I couldn't find a link to. Also, I think the second one is hilarious, since it's just so unimaginative and sounds like something a drunk frat kid would say, rather than Marc Bolan.

Those are all the good ones I could conjure up for now. I've never actually tried using any of them on any women. I feel like if I did, anyone who didn't listen to T. Rex would think I'm a weirdo, but any woman who did would immediately fall in love with me. At least, that's how I always imagine it going, whenever I'm fantasizing about being way more charming than I actually am. 

Oh, who am I kidding. If I ever tried using any of these pickup lines then everyone would think I was a weirdo. Marc Bolan was fucking weird, dude.